Free
by Uni Shall Not Sink
Summary: You would think that first loves are forever, the one person that you will always love no matter what. I for one wish I could believe that. I wish I could look back at my first love and feel something other then than loathing and hate.


**Free**

You would think that first loves are forever, the one person that you will always love no matter what. I for one wish I could believe that.

I wish I could look back at my first love and feel something other then than loathing and hate.

I wish I could tell you I had a wonderful experience with love, but alas I cannot and I will never be able to either. He ruined me completely, and now I am unable to trust any man.

I first met Phoenix in Hogwarts; we were in the same year and the same house. When I first laid my eyes on him, I thought I was in heaven. Of course being an eleven year old meant that I wasn't really attracted to him sexually, but I knew that I wanted to be his friend, that I _must_ be his friend. How I wish I knew then what I know now.

Our friendship started off great, I remember asking him to be my partner in potions and later I asked if that meant we were friends. I have to give him credit though; he did try to warn me of the consequences of being his friend. I should have been scared off by his dark aura, or even by how he would explain things with no emotion. He told me horror stories of him killing his father when he was five; I couldn't believe what he was saying. How could that even work? something about him scared me once I heard the story but still I wanted to be his friend. I was an inexperienced eleven year old, I didn't believe the story he told me, and I stayed by his side.

As the years went by the signs on of danger became more clearer to me, but still I remained his friend. He would lash out and duel anyone that pissed him off; One time he even gave his bunk mate a black eye.

By the time I was fifteen, I had fallen head over heels in love with him but then it was too late to turn back.

By the time I was sixteen, I was addicted to him. It was as if he was heroin and I was a drug addict. I needed to see him everyday every day, and if I didn't I would go into a Great Depression until I saw him again.I would bearly eat, I couldn't sleep, and all I would do was lie in bed all day. It was horrible and because of it he had complete control over my life.

He loved having that kind of power over me, I know he did. If I didn't do what he wanted he would just leave for a few days which caused me to do anything he wanted because I couldn't stand being in a depressed state.

By the time I was eighteen I was his slave, whatever he wanted me to do, whenever he wanted me to do it, it was done. He tortured me physically and mentally day in and day out every day, and the worse worst part was I couldn't even tell anyone. Whenever I would try to tell my parents or my big brother (because let's face it, no normal Black would ever let this happen) my tongue would get tied into a knot. Phoenix could do magic that no one in the wizarding world would even dream of.

I blamed myself, really. When I was eleven he warned me - he told me that becoming his friend was dangerous. He told me to stay away. I should have listened to him, maybe then I wouldn't have been so fucked up.

It wasn't until I was twenty-one that I figured out how to break out of my own personal hell. It was a bright sunny Sunday, the day I got to visit my family for a few hours. The night before Phoenix had given me a black eye because I had asked for a second glass of milk and while I was attempting to cover it up none other than my brother burst into the room.

At first I was confused as hell, I didn't tell my brother where Phoenix and I lived; I couldn't. So how did he find me?

He uttered my name in his sweet soft voice which brought tears to my eyes. He hugged me tight and told me we were going home. Home? Could he really get me out of here? How could he even begin to do that? Why wasn't I freaking out about leaving Phoenix?

Strangely at that moment in time, leaving didn't seem so bad. I didn't realize why until Pollux brought me out and I saw the body of Phoenix with a single gun shot wound in his chest. I truly thought I would be sad or even mad at my brother but instead I actually felt, for the first time in my life, extremely happy.

I was confused. Where did Pollux get a gun too? If mother or father knew he had such a bombastic Muggle device... they would flip. I think the act of him shooting Phoenix is how I could leave without getting upset... So I didn't question`it at all, I just walked out the door in my brothers arms.

For the first time in ten years, I was free.

* * *

_For Quidditch League: Write about a minor characters first love; Cassiopeia Black_


End file.
